4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It!
24 hours in a day - 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
60-Year-Old, One Owner, Needs Parts, Make Offer
100,000 Sperm and YOU were the fastest?
A baby is a loud noise at one end, and no sense of responsibilty at the other.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
A day without sun is like, you know, night.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A hard man is good to find.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A PBS mind in an MTV world
A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my bumpers.
A system that robs Peter to pay Paul will always have Paul's support
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
A wife is the opposite of a fisherman. She brags about the one that got away and complains about the one she caught.
A woman never tells you anything... until you contradict her.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
Abandon the search for truth. Settle for a good fantasy.
About car prices. Did you ever expect to pay $50,000 for something that doesn't come with a lawn?
According to my best recollection.... I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all figures are useless.
Actually no one owes you crap
Adult child of alien invaders
Age is a high price to pay for maturity
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive!
Alimony is a system by which a woman can profit from her mistake.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
Allow me to introduce my selves
Always compost - a rind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember, you're unique.... just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest.. and damn proud of it.
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Americans! Insist on your rights to arm bears.
An acquaintance is someone you know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.
An Irishman isn't drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
...and I should care, why?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
Another dopeless hope fiend.
Answer my prayer -- steal this car.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
Are you making an appointment with St. Peter on that cellphone?
Artificial intelligemce usually beats real stupidity.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
As a matter of fact, I DO own the road.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
As Zeus said to Narcissus, - Watch Yourself -
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse. It would be a great trade!
Attention! I am not responsible if my opinions differ from your analyst's.
Auntie Em - Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy
Avoid alliterations always.
Avoid Hangovers - Stay Drunk
Avoid reality at all costs.
Avoid the 5 o'clock rush! Leave work at noon!
Back Off! I'm a Postal Worker
Back off! I'm not that kind of car.
Back off! You're driving in my aura.
Back up my hard drive? How does it go into reverse?
Bad Spellers of the World Untie!
Be nice to your kids. One day they'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.
Beer contains vitamin P.
Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean (against doors, tables, walls).
Beer isn't just for breakfast anymore.
BEER Making women look better for centuries
Beer, now cheaper than gasoline. So don't drive... Drink
Before you find a beautiful princess or a handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of frogs.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
Believe in Telekinesis? Raise my hands.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Better late than audited.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Bingo keeps grandma off the streets.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are the flexible. They never get bent out of shape.
Bipartisanship: I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel!
Boldly going nowhere
Born Free. But I'm higher priced now.
Borrow money from pessimists... they don't expect it back.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Cat... the other white meat.
CAUTION! - Driver legally blonde!
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
Chastity is curable if it's detected early enough.
CLEVERLY DISGUISED AS A RESPONSIBLE ADULT
Clones are people two.
<<< Clowns Jokers>>>
Coffee, Chocolate, Men -- Some things are just better rich!
Come The Rapture Can I Have Your Car?
Conciousness is that annoying time between naps.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Consider yourself hugged. Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Contraceptatives should be used on all conceivable occasions.
Ctrl + Alt + Delete My job
Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
''Criminal lawyer'' is a redundancy.
Custer wore an Arrow shirt.
Cute and interesting are two different things.
Daddy farted and we can't get out
Death to all fanatics!
Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Diplomacy is the art of saying -nice doggie- till you can find a rock.
Disco still sucks
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Do you think Jerry Garcia is grateful he is dead?
Doctors say I have multiple personalities, but we don't agree with that.
Does 'Anal Retentive' have a hyphen?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Don't assume I'm not into cheap meaningless sex
Don't be sexist - broads hate that!
Don't believe everything you think
Don't confuse the news with the truth
Don't Drink and Drive...You Might Hit a Bump and Spill Your Drink.
Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.
Don't follow me. I'm lost too.
Don't hate yourself in the morning --- sleep till noon.
Don't hit a man when he's down. Kicking is easier.
Don't let people drive you crazy when it's within walking distance.
Don't make me come down there - God
Don't play stupid with me.... I'm better at it.
Don't rush me. I need time to screw things up.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't sweat petty things... or pet sweaty things.
Don't tailgate me, I had beans last night.
Don't tailgate me or I'll flick a booger on your windshield.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Don't unplug it, it'll take just a moment to fix.
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will Whiz on your computer.
Drink till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Driver only carries $20 in ammunition.
Due to lack of interest, tomorrow will be cancelled.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Earth First! We'll stripmine the other planets later!
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE, DIE ANYWAY
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Ever stop to think, & forget to start again?
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo!
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have any film.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Faster than a speeding ticket
Feel safe tonight ...Sleep with a cop
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
Fishermen don't die, they just smell that way.
Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn't exist.
Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
For him to get an idea would be a surgical process.
Forget a knight in shining armor. I want a vampire in a shiny Volvo!
Forget about World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink).
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Geez if you believe in honkus.
George Washington never told a lie. Of course, he never went fishing either.
Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Get off my ass before I start to like it!
Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Give me ambiguity, or give me something else!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
GONE CRAZY BE BACK SHORTLY
Government doesn't work. Please return my taxes.
Gravity! Not just a good idea, it's the law!
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
Grow your own dope. Plant a man.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.>br>
Half the people you know are below average.
Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency.
Hang up and drive!
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take chances?
Have you changed your mind recently? If not, how do you know you still have one?
HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS...STILL DIES
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit!
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Heavily medicated for your safety.
Hello, officer. Put it on my tab.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Help wanted - telepathy: you know where to apply.
Help your local Search & Rescue. Get lost!
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
Hit me, I need money.
Honest Politician. Isn't that a contradiction?
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
HONK IF ANYTHING FALLS OFF
Honk if I'm paying your mortgage
Honk if you love cheeses.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
Horn broke, watch for finger!
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I always finish what I st
I am not infantile, you stinky poopyhead.
I am merely a pawn in my cat's World Domination plot.
I am not a bum. My wife works!
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
I can handle pain, until it hurts.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either!
I didn't do it. You can't prove it. The sheep are lying.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
I don't care, I don't have to.
I don't care who you are, what you're driving, or where you'd rather be.
I don't have a beer gut! I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't lie, cheat or steal.... unnecessarily.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
I feel better after I wine a little.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?
I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.
I have a perfect body. It's your vision that's defective.
I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%?
I have the body of a god... Buddha
I haven't lost my mind it's backed up on disk somewhere
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I killed a 6-pack, just to watch it die.
I left my paycheck at the gas station. They even took my I.O.U. for the balance.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
I like long walks. Especially when taken by people who annoy me.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love cats... they taste just like chicken.
I may be fat, but you're ugly... and I can lose weight.
I must be getting old. My sex drive has turned into a putt.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I plead contemporary insanity
I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I respect your opinion. Just don't want to hear it!
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
I souport publik edukasion.
I suffer from C.R.S. (can't remember shit)
I survived the Bush economy and all I have left is this lousy bumper sticker
I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing coke once, but the icecubes got stuck in my nose.
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.......
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.
I used to live in the real world, but I got evicted.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I Want It All, I Want it Now, and I Want It Delivered
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wonder how much deeper an ocean would be without sponges?
I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
I'd love to trade Caller I.D. with Caller I.Q.
I'd Rather Be Out Sick Than In Sane
I'd rather be pillaging
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
If at first you don't succeed - failure may be your thing.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If everything is coming your way... you're in the wrong lane!
If going to a church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
If I can't find true love, I'll settle for lots of money.
If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it weren't for the last minute, I'd get nothing done.
If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
If life is just a game, I must have missed the kickoff.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
If my money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
If Progress means to move forward, what does Congress mean?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex?
If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
If this car is being driven courteously it's been stolen.
If this car was a horse, I'd have to shoot it
If this had been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut?
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
If we quit voting, will they all go away?
If you are dreaming that you are daydreaming, are you awake or asleep?
If you are psychic, think ''Honk''.
If you are not a hemorrhoid then get off my ass!
If you aren't making waves, you aren't kicking hard enough!
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can read this, I lost my trailer!
If you can read read this, my cloaking device isn't working
If you can read this, please flip me back over...
If you can read this, you're in phaser range.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you better let him lead.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my Stickers!
If you don't want people tailgating you, don't have any bumper stickers!
If you like my bumper, you'll love my headlights
If you must choose between two evils, choose the one you've never tried before.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think the car is dirty, you should spend a night with the driver
If you want a stable relationship - get a horse!
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?
If your bumper sticker wasn't so damned small I wouldn't have to drive so close to read it!
If you're against logging, try wiping your butt with plastic
If you're stupid and you know it, honk your horn
I'm 33 1/3 RPM in an iPod world.
I'm a nervous wreck! Got a wife, a girlfriend and a banknote--all past due!!
I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
I'm driving this way just to piss you off!
I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to work.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm looking for the right pedestrian to run over.
I'm not a complete idiot! Some parts are missing.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week!
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
I'm not gaining weight, I'm retaining food
I'm not getting bald. I'm just getting more head.
I'm not mooning you, I'm turning the other cheek
I'm not playing with myself, I'm just adjusting my jewelry.
I'm Not Suddenly a Dirty Old Man -- I've Been Practicing Since 1943
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm objective! I object to everything.
I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
I'm so far behind, I thought I was first.
I'm starting to wonder how bad 4 years with no president would be.
I'm still a hot babe, but now it it comes in flashes.
I'm too big to fail! Where's my bailout?
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
ILLITERATE? Write for free help.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
In dog years, I'm dead!
In God we trust. All others we run through NCIC
In the fudge of my family, I'm one of the nuts!
In theory, everything works.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
Invest in America. Buy a Congre$$man!
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be
I.R.S. We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Is there life before coffee?
It looks like blind, screaming hedonism won out.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like I do
It's as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
It's been Monday... all week.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
It's only a game until you lose.
It's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time.
It's time to pull over and change the air in your head!
It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you have to be.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
I've got a perfect body. But it's in the trunk and beginning to smell
I've made so many lateral career moves, I'm beside myself.
I've read about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician!
Jesus is coming. Everyone look busy.
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
Just because I look better than anyone else doesn't mean I have it any easier.
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one.
Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Just wink, I'll do the rest.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils: people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
Keep honking, I'm reloading!
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Keep smiling. People will wonder what you're up to.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Lawyers - Criminals I forget the difference
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - Use birth control.
Let a smile be your umbrella... and your face will rust.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
Life's a bitch, then you divorce one.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Life is short. So buy the shoes!
Life on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Life without bears - would be unbearable.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
Life's a casino and I keep crapping out
Life is too short to worry about how short life is.
Like a roll of toilet paper, life goes faster at the end
Live teddy bears are best!
Look out! Behind you!
Lord give me patience... But Hurry!
Lord, save me from your followers.
Lottery. A tax on people who are bad at math.
LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready.
Make it idiot proof, and someone will build a better idiot.
Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Meandering to a different drummer.
Men are idiots, and I married their KING!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Metaphors be with you.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
Minimum wage for politicians!
Mondays are an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gives you a good bargaining position.
Money can't buy love. It can rent a very close approximation.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
My 401K is now a 101K
My daughter turned down your honor student!
My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink
My Dog Can Lick Anyone
My driving is almost as good as my shooting
My ex-wife is a great house keeper, she kept the house.
My ex-wife's other car is a broom.
My family is more dysfunctional than yours!
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
My Goddess Gave Birth To Your God
My Hockey Mom Can Beat up Your Soccer Mom
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse - He Couldn't Do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
My karma ran over your dogma.
My kid beat up your honor student.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
My other car is also a piece of junk
My other car was repossessed
My road to success is under construction
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
My wife says that if I spend any more time online, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm gonna miss her!
My wife says I should get up and go to work, but the voices in my head say I should stay home and clean my guns.
National Sarcasm Society. (Like we need your support)
National Spellling Bee Runer-Up
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Never believe generalizations.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never go into a hug off balance.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never say "bite me" to a vampire
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Nice truck. Sorry about your penis.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
Nobody's ugly at 2AM.
Nonconformists are all alike.
Normal is just a cycle on the washing machine.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing is illegal... until you get caught.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Of course I'm out of my mind, it's dark and scary in there!>br>
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Old age and Treachery will beat out Youth and Skill.
On your mark, get set, go away!
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Oral contraception - just saying no.
Out of my mind.. back in 5 minutes.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
P.E.T.A. People Eat Tasty Animals
Pissing off the whole planet one person at a time
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
Please stop staring at my car's butt.
Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly ....and for the same reason.
Politics - from the words "Poly", meaning "many", and "Ticks", as in "small blood-sucking parasites".
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self- control.
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
Pride is what WE have. Vanity is what OTHERS have.
Protect the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that somewhere, someone may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quick!! Act as if nothing happened!
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Reality Is a Crutch for People Who Can't Handle Drugs
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Reality is all a point of view.
Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
Recycle grass. Feed a horse.
Rehab is for quitters.
Remember: The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
Remember when sex was safe and skydiving was dangerous?
Repetition is always better... the second time.
RETIRED. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today
Riding on a dolphin is doing it on porpoise.
Rock is dead. Long live paper and scissors.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Save AOL. When you leave, take another Rocket Scientist with you.
Save energy. Be apathetic.
Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save your breath... You'll need it to blow up your date.
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Sex is like air: it's not a problem unless you're not getting any...
Sex is my religion.. let us pray!
Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
Slick, smooth & Flashy And I don't mean my car
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
So many cats, so few recipes.
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute?
Some days you're the dog... some days you're the hydrant
Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue!!
Some men are fools. Others are bachelors.
Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorry I missed church. I've been busy practicing witchcraft.
Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!
Stay alert. The world needs more lerts.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
Stop Animal Experiments Use Lawyers
Stop Plate Techtonics!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some bingo players have!
Support mental health or I'll kill you.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Thank God for the IRS - Without them I'd be rich!
Thank you for not minding my business.
The buck doesn't even slow down here
The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The control key on the keyboard does not work!
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The early bird still has to eat worms.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
The Marines and I have something in common. We're both looking for a few good men.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
The Moral Majority is neither.
The more I try to understand women, the more I love my truck.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The new Madonna salad comes without dressing.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The person who drives a second-hand car knows how hard it is to drive a bargain.
The problem with the gene pool is that there're no lifeguards.
The real crime in the streets is the price of new cars.
The severity of an itch is porportional to the reach.
The sex was so good, even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected.
The ultimate reason is 'because'
The way to fight a woman is with your hat! Grab it and run!
The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
There's no such thing as a stupid question... just an endless supply of them.
There's no such thing as petty cash.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
There is no substitute for good manners, except perhaps, fast reflexes.
There is no time like the present to postpone what you should be doing.
They also surf who stand on waves.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
Think globally, Act galactically.
Think this looks bad? You should see the front.
This car was designed by computer, built by a robot, and driven by a moron.
This gene pool could use a little chlorine.
This Is Not An Abandoned Vehicle
This isn't a bald spot! It's a solar panel for a sex machine.
This town is so dull that if it weren't for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, there'd be no romance at all.
This truck has been in 15 accidents.... and hasn't lost one yet.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
Those people who think they know it all, really annoy those of us who do.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its best students.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Time's fun when you're having flies.
To a cat, people are just furniture that does tricks
To all virgins: Thanks for nothing.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is government policy.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Today was a total waste of makeup.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!
Uh, excuse me. How about some vaseline next time?
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Veni, Vidi, VD. I came, I saw, I cankered.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Visualize Whirled Peas
Visualize using your turn signals!
Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!
Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking!
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Want to understand the government? Read between the lies.
Warning! I brake for hallucinations.
Warning! There has been an alarming increase in things you know nothing about.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of ''Smart''?
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What? Did ya run out of blinker fluid?
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What if this is as good as it gets?
What we need is a patch for stupidity!
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case Heaven is like the I.R.S.
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
When you're old enough to finally get it all together, you're too old to remember where you put it.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Which part of "Left Lane For Passing Only" is so hard to understand?
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Who marked "Stop Payment" on my Reality check?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why Are You Staring At My Bumper!? You Pervert!
Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled like it's pronounced?
Why should I grow up? This is more fun.
Why the HELL do I have to press "1" for English?
Wife and dog missing. Reward for dog.
Wife swapping is the one thing I'm against. It's too much of a letdown when you get your real one back.
Will Rogers never met an attorney.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
Women don' t belch, snore, or pass gas...therefore we must bitch or we will explode.
Women like silent men. They think they're listening.
Women like the simple things in life.... MEN!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Worry! God knows all about you.
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts?) >br>
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You! Off my planet!
YOU! Out of the gene pool!
You probably don't recognize me without the cape.
You want it bad? You get it bad. The worse you want it, the worse you get it.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me!
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.
Your body would look good in my trunk
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Thanks for stopping by!