I'd love to trade Caller I.D. with Caller I.Q.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

The truth is out there but I forget the URL

Sacred cows make the best burgers VENI, VIDI, VISA I came, I saw, I bought

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentathol

Follow your Dreams except that one where you're at school in your underwear

A poor memory is not the same as a clear conscience Wealth is its own reward

It only seems kinky the first time

I love cats, but I can't eat a whole one Top Ten reasons to procrastinate:  1.

Your body may be a temple. Mine's an amusement park

Saturday has a morning? Witches Parking (All others will be toad)

I don't have hot flashes.  I have short, private vacations in the tropics.

Faster than a speeding ticket If this car was a horse, I'd have to shoot it

Doctors say I have multiple personalities, but we don't agree with that.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. IRS: Be Audit You Can Be