The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up

Auntie Em - Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.  Dorothy I don't lie, cheat or steal.... unnecessarily

Are you making an appointment with St. Peter on that cellphone?

We're staying together for the sake of the cats. It's as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition

Avoid Hangovers - Stay Drunk Sex on TV can't hurt you unless you fall off.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case Heaven is like the I.R.S.

Ever stop to think, & forget to start again? My karma ran over your dogma. My ex-wife's other car is a broom.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. Don't steal.  The government hates competition.

Wife swapping is the one thing I'm against. It's too much of a letdown when you get your real one back.

Tact is for people not witty enough to be sarcastic. To a cat, people are just furniture that does tricks

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now. If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

I tried sniffing coke once, but the icecubes got stuck in my nose.