Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Life's too short to dance with ugly women. Nobody's ugly at 2AM.

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Is there life before coffee? Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

An Irishman isn't drunk as long as he can hold onto one balde of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.

Eschew obfuscation Will Rogers never met an attorney Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

An acquaintance is someone you know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

The weather is here, wish you were beautiful. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.

There's one in every crowd and they always find me.

The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.

Get off my ass before I start to like it! Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Please stop staring at my car's butt. I'm not playing with myself, I'm just adjusting my jewelry.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I'd fart