WE ARE MICROSOFT.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.

Back up my hard drive?  How does it go into reverse? Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I'm always late.  My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is definitely not for you.

4 out of 5 voices in my head say Go For It! Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some people just don't have any film.

Always try to be modest.. and damn proud of it. Borrow money from pessimists... they don't expect it back.

The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. A real gentleman wouldn't stare at my bumpers.

Bipartisanship: I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass

FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of a 44 oz. drink). I'm a nice guy. My car is evil.

I have a drink problem - I can't afford it.