Men are idiots, and I married their KING!

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.

Believe in Telekinesis? Raise my hands. Some mornings it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that somewhere, someone may be happy.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

Time's fun when you're having flies. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

The severity of an itch is porportional to the reach. Sorry if I look interested, I'm not!

I have an IQ in the top 2%. Who cares about the other 95%?

Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. To err is human, to moo bovine.

Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0! Life is short. So buy the shoes!

If you don't want people tailgating you, don't have any bumper stickers!