I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?

I don't have an attitude problem.  You have a perception problem. Minds are like parachutes.  They work best when open.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Minds are like parachutes.  They work best when open. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Televangelists:  The pro wrestlers of religion.

Young at heart.  Slightly older in other places. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Do you think Jerry Garcia is grateful he's dead?

I put the Life is like a box of chocolates.  It's full of nuts.

If they give awards for acting, why don't they give awards for being real?

Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying. Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.

I love cats... they taste just like chicken.

Dyslexics are teople poo. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

I've read about the evils of drinking beer, so I gave up reading.

Slick, smooth & Flashy  And I don't mean my car Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I stuck around.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.