To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me! Air pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!

I have the body of a god... Buddha. Minimum wage for politicians! Oh, Evolve!

Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one. Thank God for the I.R.S.  Without them I'd be rich!

Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

Body by Nautilus, brain by Mattel. Hit me, I need money. Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Ctrl + Alt + Delete My job I have a perfect body. It's your vision that's defective.

Forget a knight in shining armor.  I want a vampire in a shiny Volvo!

Constipation causes people not to give a crap. Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.

If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons?