I'm starting to wonder how bad 4 years with no president would be.

Black holes are where God divided by zero. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

A clean house is a sign of a visit by an older female relative

Chocolate shrinks your clothes! I've had it with reality!  Where's my fairy godmother?

They call it PMS because

Feeling like roadkill on the information superhighway? You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

The right side of the brain is for loading and unloading only

I feel better after I wine a little. Reality is where the pizza delivery guy comes from

Our factories are all overseas.  All we produce here are rich executives

If at first you don't succeed you must be installing Windows Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your butt?

You mean that shopping for useless crap isn't the meaning of life?

Question Authority and the authorities will question you The fastest way to a man's heart is by tearing a hole through his ribcage.

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

Marijuana - Over 1 Billion stoned Is it a mistake that stressed is desserts spelled backwards?